For those of you who don’t know, I’m in the early stages of bariatric surgery. It’s been a few weeks since my consultation and I have lost 17lbs on the pre-op diet so far. Ok everyone, here’s the thing. I have a very strong mind when it is set on something. I know what it is that I want and I don’t waiver from it too far, so I assumed that I wouldn’t have too many struggles on this journey. I was wrong in every sense of the word wrong. Like 2+2=9 wrong. WRONG, WRONG. Before you panic, I am still on track with the pre-op diet, however, I had a really hard day yesterday. I’ve been on this diet for about three weeks and for some reason I never realized my codependence with food.
As I mentioned before (I think), I’m not an over eater or binge eater. I struggle a bit with emotional eating, but that wasn’t the struggle. I had been cooped up in the house for a very long time, years seeing that I haven’t had a job (unless we needed extra cash) since I’ve gotten married. Not only was I a caged bird with nothing but time and nowhere to go even if I could spread my wings, but I also have very few people to communicate with. Most of my family and friends live on the east coast, while I’m on the west coast. With all that being said, I used food to help pass the time. I knew when I ate for the first time in the day, it would be close to lunch. I rarely eat breakfast at the appropriate time. Once that passed, I would have a small snack occasionally (also rare), and then I would begin making dinner 3-4 hours later. Once my husband would return home from work we’d eat about an hour and a half later and then go on about our evening until it was time for bed. That was my clock, centered around food. On this diet, my clock is gone. Sounds trivial I know. There is something say about having a routine and for it to be broken without anything to take its place. I wanted desperately to break the diet and eat something, ANYTHING, just to have a piece of my routine. Thank goodness my mother answered the phone when I called. She talked me off the edge of my mental break.
I made it through that day and today was much better. I suppose my dream the night before is what triggered the matter. I dreamt that I broke my diet and they said I have to wait much longer to have my surgery. I was devastated. The thing about my dreams is that they feel so real in the moment that I can’t tell I’m dreaming. Usually they are so close to what I’m going through in real life. I woke up and said “Oh my goodness, thankfully that was a dream”. I suppose that wasn’t important to share. The point is, I struggled and made it through. There will be many more things to come up along the way and as long as I keep a strong mind and seek help when I need it, I’ll be fine.
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